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Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Monday, 15 September 2014

You sure?

I was asked today. It was suggested yesterday too that I am behaving in a "typical" me way which I presume isn't a good thing. Considering the mistakes I have made or rather foolish choices (In fact more accurately, the desperately insecure need to be loved and feel wanted so have accepted recurring bad treatment) I was hurt by more poking. Again. I am surprised by the way that adults feel they can talk to me. I am a squit. I always have been rudely reprimanded and spoken to as though I'm an idiot. I have always been that idiot for not standing up to these twits for being rude. But it appears that I still can't stand up. Not to them anyway. Why anyone thinks it's appropriate to question my choices when I a) haven't asked them b) it's none of their business and c) see both previous answers and understand the concept. I might have made some absurd choices. I agree that I have behaved like an idiot. Listening to unwanted so-called advice from interfering rude neighbours is a prime example but may I just say in "typical me" style? FUCK OFF.

I am sure. Obviously. I am not stupid. I am neither deluded, walked over anymore nor verbally battered and beaten regularly by a bully with an attitude problem. I would say to him, "Shove your spite and your temper up your arse" but he wouldn't listen. Ghastly behaviour. I want no more of it. Up until today, I occasionally wondered how he was. From today, I couldn't give a damn. Bully someone else. Or like I was told from the cat that has the tip top squirty spray, Go to Thailand and watch live porn. Be my guest and fall in love with a ladyboy. In fact, do me a favour and move out there and live happily ever after but please, please leave me alone.

So am I sure? Quite simply, I have never be so sure of anything in my entire life. I have never been as lucky as I feel right now to have a real, decent man by my side. Twice. I am still me. I will always still be sensitive and I will always worry but not about that choice. It wasn't a choice. It was a given. From the moment I looked up and saw him walking towards me. From the moment I shot out of my seat and ran into his arms. I didn't have time to worry. It was just the way it was. And will be. So to answer the question, You're damn right I'm sure. 100%.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Give me 3 words.

Got my back.

For the first time in my life, someone has undoubtedly and without question (vice versa) to the end of the earth, with every breath in my body, would kill to protect him and hold hands years on as we cross the road, good and proper. Real, true, loyal and what I've known all my life exists but was pushed away from.. my complete picture, the final piece in my jigsaw. Rose-tinted and honeycomb crunched LOVE.

Can't believe it. I am confident. I feel protected. No one can get me now. I'm not sure that they could before but I always felt vulnerable and worried about what people might think, might do, might say. I get funny looks often. I will always worry. I've always worried. It's hard to break a habit of a lifetime but I won't worry as much. All I am doing is my best.

We can stand together. We can hold hands. I know that he will do anything for me at all. I will never have to take on a problem single-handedly ever again. Most vitally, I never ever have to feel that it's only me. Because, maybe not right now, not today but very soon it won't be.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Light a candle.

It goes without saying. I often have the flicker of a flame as I write. Sometimes for scent, often for memory but simply because I prefer the light from a flame rather than a light bulb. I flick the cigarette lighter that belonged to my mother. It had no value like so many of the things I have been left but it is useful and it makes me feel good as I put it over the wick. It crackles into life. That simple. I switch off the lamp. Another of my late mothers gifts to me. Unknowingly, of course. Again, it's the smallest of gestures that without intention have given my children and I more pleasure than was ever expected. How could anyone still want more? I won't give detail because this is my writing and I will never allow entry to a known negative force but I hope one day that the bitterness and greed disintegrate as easily as I light a candle. I can do no more than hope. And there it is. That'll do. Too generous a thought no doubt. There is never any need for greed. It is completely revolting. Never presume though. There is no going back.

It's very early in the morning. It is technically still night time. It is pitch black outside. I have just poured milk into a teacup for one of the cats. The other is curled up purring next to Mary in my bed. Nell woke up too but I managed to encourage her back into her own pit. Up the ladder she went grumpily. I feel bad that I didn't pop her in next to Mary but at that stage I had hoped to go back to sleep. It seems tonight that 3 hours will suffice. Of course, I know what will happen. I will be consumed with exhaustion in about an hour and fall into a deep sleep moments before the radio alarm forces me awake. My limbs already feel heavy at the thought.

The majority are fast asleep. I always find comfort thinking that someone, somewhere will be awake with me. Unaware that I am hoping that their life is smooth and pain free. Does that exist? Is there a life in this world that is straight forward, happy and easy? I hope so. I am striving for exactly that. When I am holding the right hand, I have no pain until I am about to let it go. I am grateful that I feel love in such an over-whelming way that it can be in no doubt. My girls know I adore them. I need to talk to them when they wake and as they sit at our beautiful kitchen table tomorrow for breakfast with a 'new to me' tablecloth on it that my boss gave me yesterday, I will explain a little more. It made me so happy to see our table amongst what can only be described as chaos. Upside down, dusty and dirty, inside out building work that is so nearly finished but not over. I will explain to them that sometimes, occasionally, more often than I'd like to admit, I have my cage rattled by unnecessary aggravation and I react. I always explain that I am 'in a bad mood, feeling cross, grumpy or irritated' and that my fuse will be short. They usually understand and keep their heads down. They are not stupid. They almost always feast on something "from the cupboard" and scarper. My kids are pretty straight-forward. Maybe that's the thing? Maybe the simple fact that they are living day to day on a level that I envy is the reason that I can't have it both ways. I carry the chaos. I protect them from the every day horrors of this world. I shelter them under my mother hen feathers from anything that might dent their perfect bubbles. It's my job surely? To do the best I can for them..

Nell came down the stairs and rubbing her eyes she asked me this,
"Mummy? Why are you awake?"
So I told her that I had some horrid business to reply to on email that was stopping me from sleeping. She knows a little of the story of greed and unkindness.
"But it's night time. What is it?"
So as I have always done, I truthfully told her that "someone" had taken something from me, from us, deceitfully and it was wrong. She replied this,
"Then just let her have it?"
I hugged her and realised that it doesn't matter. It isn't about what we haven't got, what matters is what we have got. There is no price on that. As a family, it may appear that we fall short and have less than many but we are open, honest and true. We keep it real. Sometimes a little too much but with a statement like that from my 9 year old daughter, I don't see how keeping it real can be wrong.

Now might be the time to go back to bed.. 4.58am.. Where's that hand to hold? I need it.

Tell me tomorrow, I'll wait by the window for you.

Monday, 8 September 2014

Take my hand

But there was no hand to take. No hand being held out. This was just me. The sun shone down on this September morning. It was warm on my face. I walked slowly to the grassy field and I stood still. The view was perfect. It was beautiful. I dropped my shoulders and I walked towards him with a sad smile and a heart full of love.

So sad, so awful, so final. Having been so full of joy and having felt so alive, I now felt distraught and alone.

"It was the best thing to do" I heard hours later.

It was one of the worst decisions that I've ever had to make. Cruel to be kind. Tough love. His time was up. It's too late now as I sit here with the sun rise wondering why the old pony couldn't have had a few more days of Autumn sun on his back.

I walked home alone. I had wanted to be alone. I am still alone this morning. Of course I am.

Sunday, 7 September 2014

The monkey on your back.

Clear sky this morning. A comfortable, decent, undisturbed nights sleep. Always a good start to the week. My girls home, fed and bathed. No shouting. No angry irritable accusations. No fury and storming out. No drama. Safe delivery of them both after a night away. The time passed quickly without them which is rare. Time moves too quickly suddenly and yet not fast enough. Like now. I steal of few precious moments remembering how safe I am as I'm being held tight. We all need to let go. I know that too. But I prefer being held tight.

And it's real. I cannot imagine what on earth I have been thinking for my entire life until now. I must have been insane. Or realistically, the product of an addicted parent who abused and forgot to love me. Too sick in her mind to think that her child needed care, love and nurture. As a result I have grabbed onto any form of affection and then pushed it away. It seems that anyone who was willing to give me a chance, got a chance and then I ran. I tried to make myself work. I tried to make myself feel the same as the rest of the world. A part of life. Always on the outside hoping to be allowed in. The trouble was that I hadn't met the man that I knew already. I always knew he was there but I didn't know how on earth to find him. So I sat back. I accepted that every relationship I had tried in my life hadn't worked and I gave up. I told my children that it was over. You, you and me from here on in. Just us three. I was tired of being let down. I happily resigned myself to what I already believed. I felt so strongly that my path was to break the cycle.

And then I sat down and closed my eyes. I allowed the resignation to wash over me and I felt happy.

When I opened my eyes and looked up, you were standing there looking down at me holding out your hand.

Thank you for looking for me. I will never stop being grateful.

Friday, 5 September 2014

All I want..

Is you. Take me by the hand..

"Come and meet me, give me a kiss" he asked
"I'm there already" I replied.

Welcome break. A skinny dry cappuccino, a few funny faces, pot bellied pigs with a small burger grasped in fat fingers, the odd look but the face I see is the one I know. I think I've always known. Deep down. I just forced myself to forget. Too many years of forgetting.

The truth is if you look hard enough, you find exactly what you hoped had been missing.
"Have faith" my mother used to say with a smile. It's me that smiles today. From inside out.

A whole week of troubles, chores, head aches, puzzles to solve and decisions to make or put to one side. No sleep. No reprieve. Just criticism, hard work and then the tiniest possibility of a happy half hour. I grabbed it. That smallest opening of complete love was worth all the pain. I sit here now with tears of relief falling down my cheeks as I feel the pressure seep from my aching bones. I am completely shattered. I am beaten. I cannot keep this up. I don't need to battle it anymore. I have a hand to hold tightly. He will stand by me and sway me like a tree and love me forever. There is no doubt in my mind. Job done. I knew it would be worth it one day.

Will you stay with me? All I want is you. Always did. Always will.