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Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Thank you.

For offering. For collecting my children and taking them to school. For making me soup. For bringing me hot lemon, honey and ginger to me in my bed. For changing my sheets. For bringing my girls home again. For paying me on time. For saying out loud that you care and offering still to do more. For cleaning the dust up every night once the builders have left. For helping me. For holding my hand. For taking care of all the things I do and telling me to shut my eyes and sleep.

I really appreciate it. 

I am still sick.

Thursday, 25 September 2014


I'm sick. I'm too sick to stand up without feeling sick. When I sit down (which I won't after writing this until about 8pm tonight) my legs hurt and my skin stings. I am too sick to work but I have get the houses ready for the arrival of happy faces coming from the city tonight. I have to get my girls to school. I have to open the door and then not shut it again until dark.

I am too sick to be poked so don't poke me. I don't need inane questions about why I haven't done something or if I will do it soon. The answer is a simple one I expect. I have got around to it yet and yes, I will soon. I know everyone is busy but most people have someone to share to workload, the pressure and the answers. I'm not complaining about my lot, I'm not asking for an answer or a solution. If you have to ask if, how and why then you don't know what's going on in my life.

Will I cut your grass or replace your light bulb? Probably but not today. Today is all about me remembering that I am here for a reason. I have amazing children. Just two. Already, all I want to do is draw the curtains, light the fire and snuggle with my girls under a blanket. But first I have to get through the whole day..

Six today.

Monday, 22 September 2014

Stay with me.

Come sit my dear, come near and hear the words I need to say.
I loved you, never question that or let doubt get in your way.
And spoil the chance you're offered, the one perhaps? who knows, I don't.
To see you smile a while, see that I was wrong, makes the song you sing a sad one.
But does it make the mother I was a bad one? To stop you now? I won't.
I give you hope and I wish and pray the path you walk comes clear.
I watch you as cry now and I ask you please,  sit a while, sit here.

Friday, 19 September 2014

Barking Mad.

I sit here in the early hours and wonder if it's just me? Am I the only mother at the school gates so aware that one of my children might not have achieved what she wanted so much yesterday yet waiting for the talk that will follow from me about acceptance. I am a complete fraud. I teach my girls to accept that they can only ever do their best and keep trying yet I don't believe it for myself. What's all that about? I am too hard on myself I expect but it doesn't excuse others joining in and having a poke. I deleted a post a wrote yesterday. It was intense. I hadn't slept for days. I am still awake. I have a lot on my mind and I miss the hand I want to hold so much. Words cannot describe how I feel when we are apart. It is agony.

Barking dogs. I wrote this insomnia effected post yesterday about dogs keeping me awake for 3 nights in a row yet tonight it was Mary that popped into my room wanting water. That's it. Now I've been awake for an hour worrying about a ridiculously small incident that happened last night. See what you think..

A neighbour popped in. Uninvited but always welcome. I was, which isn't unusual, standing in my kitchen, barefoot, glass of wine in hand, chatting to my friend on the phone about life. I hung up on our call mid conversation and turned to my neighbour. She wanted to see my kitchen. Odd I thought seeing as I had shown her a week before and there have been no builders here this week. No change. Except a smashed roof light. No big deal but I was puzzled by her arrival. Her husband had been very rude to me last weekend so I thought perhaps she'd come to apologise on his behalf? I was wrong.
She had, in fact, come to tell me that she had been kept awake by the neighbours barking dogs and had put a note through the door complaining of her irritation yet offering to help out of she could. Nice. I think? My dogs were excited that she'd walked in on our evening and the smaller of the 2, the shitzu, sweet but you either love him or you don't, started to jump up at her. He's very friendly. I told him off (although his evening had been unexpectedly interrupted) and then she really did tell him off. She proceeded to tell me what to write in my note of complaint that I had actually already written but hadn't posted through the door. Sometimes, often I am very wary of my neighbours reactions to my most innocent comment so I was cautious not to offend or cause upset. She advised me to re-write my note and not to be too nice as I did it. I think the word she used was "wacky" which I have no idea of it's true meaning or implication. I am not "wacky" thank you very much. Rude. That is the second time in a week that someone from the same household has made me annoyed and interfered in my life without invitation. I shall now invest in a magnetic gate so no one can simply pop in. It's bloody bad manners. I live here. I could have been naked for Gods sake. It was half seven and she was lucky I wasn't in my nightie. Madness.

The dogs have stopped barking. It is a huge pity that fellow residents haven't. Village life. Sometimes I wonder what the Hell I am doing.. It wouldn't be the first time either.

How do you tell someone to mind their own business without being rude? Just a friendly 'Keep your nose out'. I think it would be advised that I said something like, "Thank you for thinking of me but I have a lot going on right now and I haven't the time to get involved". I'll have to wait for 'Drop Dead Gorgeous' to arrive permanently before people stop poking at me. He isn't by the way. I was accused of describing him as such this week. I obviously implied that he is beyond perfect and delicious in every way creating a visual of a tall, handsome man. Which he is. All of the above. To me, obviously. Drop Dead Gorgeous? I'll go with that if I have to but I would never have used those words. Not out loud anyway.

My rose tea is ready to take upstairs. It is almost dawn and I will, as isn't unusual when I'm stressed, fall fast asleep and find waking up in an hour near impossible. My only hope is that tonight I get to share my bed with my 'happy ever after' because for some extraordinary reason, when he's here, I sleep like I've never slept before. And if I can't then I guess I'll be up again tomorrow morning sitting by candle light waiting for the dawn.

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Monday, 15 September 2014

You sure?

I was asked today. It was suggested yesterday too that I am behaving in a "typical" me way which I presume isn't a good thing. Considering the mistakes I have made or rather foolish choices (In fact more accurately, the desperately insecure need to be loved and feel wanted so have accepted recurring bad treatment) I was hurt by more poking. Again. I am surprised by the way that adults feel they can talk to me. I am a squit. I always have been rudely reprimanded and spoken to as though I'm an idiot. I have always been that idiot for not standing up to these twits for being rude. But it appears that I still can't stand up. Not to them anyway. Why anyone thinks it's appropriate to question my choices when I a) haven't asked them b) it's none of their business and c) see both previous answers and understand the concept. I might have made some absurd choices. I agree that I have behaved like an idiot. Listening to unwanted so-called advice from interfering rude neighbours is a prime example but may I just say in "typical me" style? FUCK OFF.

I am sure. Obviously. I am not stupid. I am neither deluded, walked over anymore nor verbally battered and beaten regularly by a bully with an attitude problem. I would say to him, "Shove your spite and your temper up your arse" but he wouldn't listen. Ghastly behaviour. I want no more of it. Up until today, I occasionally wondered how he was. From today, I couldn't give a damn. Bully someone else. Or like I was told from the cat that has the tip top squirty spray, Go to Thailand and watch live porn. Be my guest and fall in love with a ladyboy. In fact, do me a favour and move out there and live happily ever after but please, please leave me alone.

So am I sure? Quite simply, I have never be so sure of anything in my entire life. I have never been as lucky as I feel right now to have a real, decent man by my side. Twice. I am still me. I will always still be sensitive and I will always worry but not about that choice. It wasn't a choice. It was a given. From the moment I looked up and saw him walking towards me. From the moment I shot out of my seat and ran into his arms. I didn't have time to worry. It was just the way it was. And will be. So to answer the question, You're damn right I'm sure. 100%.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Give me 3 words.

Got my back.

For the first time in my life, someone has undoubtedly and without question (vice versa) to the end of the earth, with every breath in my body, would kill to protect him and hold hands years on as we cross the road, good and proper. Real, true, loyal and what I've known all my life exists but was pushed away from.. my complete picture, the final piece in my jigsaw. Rose-tinted and honeycomb crunched LOVE.

Can't believe it. I am confident. I feel protected. No one can get me now. I'm not sure that they could before but I always felt vulnerable and worried about what people might think, might do, might say. I get funny looks often. I will always worry. I've always worried. It's hard to break a habit of a lifetime but I won't worry as much. All I am doing is my best.

We can stand together. We can hold hands. I know that he will do anything for me at all. I will never have to take on a problem single-handedly ever again. Most vitally, I never ever have to feel that it's only me. Because, maybe not right now, not today but very soon it won't be.