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Saturday, 3 October 2015

It's been a while..

and it might just be a little while longer yet..

Tuesday, 22 September 2015


I knew today was going to be a tough one when I opened my eyes and hit the snooze button three times too many. I was shattered. I am strict with myself and almost always am downstairs, a few chores done, coffee in hand before the girls need to get up. Usual stuff of washing, packed lunches, dogs, cats, the solitary hamster.. But today, I was sluggish and my mood was grey. I had a heap of work to do before I even went to work itself.

A few hours on and one child at orchestra, the other with a friend at the table doing homework, then the musical one taxied home by yours truly and I realised I hadn't eaten even if I had squeezed in a 5 mile run before the official pick up time from school. I hadn't drunk any water either. I reach into the cereal box of Shreddies and answered the phone at the same time. I choked. Properly choked. I couldn't swallow or breathe. It was almost too dark before I realised that I was on the floor with my eldest next to me asking, "Mummy?.."

I am fine. I have too much to do every day and I need to realise that I cannot do it all. Not always. Tomorrow I have a meeting with a woman who will help me write my will. It is time I was a real grown up and faced up to the responsibility of 'What if'.. I am dreading it. I have a few ideas, a few plans and a couple of precious priorities to focus on. But most of all, I need to remember to breathe. Deeply and steadily. Quite obviously, if I can't catch my breath, I am obviously going too fast. Stupid. No need to rush. Would it really be so dreadful if I was late?

Sunday, 20 September 2015

Hold tight.

The bigger picture is the only one to focus on. Is it egotisticalself-centred or narcissistic of me to love a photo with me in it? I really hope not. The one I am about to share is part of my bigger picture. One titch is missing. She had run on. Of course she had. She runs everywhere. A bit like her mother.. This photo is PURE LOVE. Love of the highest order. 

And then on the walk home, I heard my girls laughing as they tied their legs together.
"Let's race!" they shouted and counted, 'One, Two, One, Two' and started to run.
"Who are you racing against?" I asked them.
They turned to me smiling and in unison replied, "Each other"..

I need nothing more. My life is complete. Fact.

Saturday, 19 September 2015

When the fogs lifts..

It is almost always a beautiful day. Forget the negatives, bad feelings, aggravations, lies and excuses. Focus on the reality. The here and now. The right here, the right now. The pulse, the heart beat and the love inside your home. The reality is that what is next to you, near you, inside your chest is good enough. 

I put one foot in front of another yesterday. i knew it was going to be a tough ask. I was alongside and then behind an encouraging woman who is now a friend. We ran 13 miles. It wasn't so bad. It was tiring and challenging but we kept going and talked the whole route. I told her too much or maybe I didn't. I told her the truth. She asked me why I tolerated such negative souls near my life. I told her that I believed them too often. I'm learning, slowly.

Polly didn't put the kettle on this week, I did. She cancelled my appointment and I smiled as I hung out the washing before work. I appreciated her asking about my well-being before postponing me until next time.
"Are you okay?" she insisted on asking me.
"Yes I really am" I replied. Because I am.

I haven't closed the door this tightly for a very long time. I have always chased after people who have consistently let me and my girls down trying to understand why. The difference is, even though my door is shut, there is opportunity for anyone to knock. It is up to me whether or not I let them in. My choice. Chances are if you've shat on my doorstep in the past, you're not going to be that welcome. I might smile at you, but that doesn't mean you're entitled to come in, sit and join my family for a while. Polly made that very clear. "It is up to you Rose" she stated with a gentle smile.

That much is true. It is up to me. Like I said, it's going to be a beautiful day and I am taking my girls and our dogs to Westonbirt Arboretum to walk, talk and hold hands. When the fog lifts..

Thursday, 17 September 2015

Old Friends.

Just for today can you please hold her hand tightly and not let it go. I will hold it for the rest of the year but I need you to look down and watch over her. See what an amazing, dogs bollocks of a woman she has become. She has worked hard at it and never stops. I am privileged to have an amazing friendship with her. She is the most remarkable woman, remarkable mother. Keep watching and hold her tight. Especially today. She needs you more than ever. In fact, she always did, I imagine she always will.

Thursday, 10 September 2015


I was warned that I would feel uncomfortable chaingng my behaviour and I do. It doesn't sit easy writing about what a weak fool I have been over the last year or so and I really don't like sharing the detail of what a grown man promised me before running away. He didn't run back to his wife (just in case anyone was thinking he had). To be honest, I am pretty certain she wouldn't have him back. If I wouldn't, I'm sure as Hell that she would shut the door on him too. I tried to explain this to him when he was here moaning about her. I would find myself stopping the flow of complaints by saying, "But I am she!". He had no sight of the simple fact that I am a mother with 2 children on my own just as he had made her one. It isn't an easy life and I'm pretty sure, if you're used to having another adult in the home to pay, help and consider all possibilities then to be alone would create perfectly entitled anger. He bailed out on his family presuming that mine would be easier. Wrong.

"Is it bad to not want companionship? Not want a relationship with a man? Be perfectly content being alone?" I asked yesterday in my session..

"You are independent, sharp, capable, determined, organised and hard-working" (already I have missed out 'attractive' because I am not comfortable receiving compliments) "I think that you are good at what you do because you love it and the trouble is you don't need a man so no, why would you think it was wrong?"

"The whole world wants to have happy ever afters, get married, sit together side by side, hold hands.. I do sometimes when I'm watching a sunset or having a glass of Rose in The South of France for example but I seem to attract weak men.. Or maybe I scare them away?"

She smiled at me. "You need to choose more wisely. I've told you before, you don't have to let anyone into your nest just because they think they want to join in. Protect yourself better. Trust your gut instinct and only when you think they are good enough, open the door".

But I believed him. We met up after 30 years and it was so lovely. He said so many wonderful things and promised me that I was his future. He was certain that we belonged together. It was just a matter of time.. I don't think he was lying intentionally. I really don't. I just think he was surprised that I expected commitment having survived for so long on my own. I'm not sure why I did. Perhaps because deep down, I knew he wouldn't give it?

It's a beautiful morning. I have a job to do. The home is silent and today is going to be a good day.

Everything happens for a reason and the reason for everything is happening. Thank God.

We'll all have tea.

Except we won't. Polly put the kettle on and made it very clear that I was never to offer a cup of tea to The married Man ever again. She looked at me smiling but shaking her head when I told her very briefly how he had stood in front of me telling me that I had to trust him and let him in because he wasn't EVER going to let me down unlike all the others who had gone before him because he was different.. She asked me how me met. I made a kind of 'Oh Shit' face and then like a 44 year old woman who had behaved like a 16 year old school girl confessed that he had contacted me on Facebook and we had formed a relationship with the 'chat' button. I squirmed with embarrassment as she continued to smile and shake her head. I confessed how we had met up at a service station on my way back from the airport and how horrified I had been to learn that it had been his wedding anniversary. I admitted how irritating I had found his constant moaning about his wife and what a "bitter, cold and unemotional woman" she apparently was. He complained too often about the lack of sex in their marriage and how difficult he had found it when she rejected him over and over.  How he had then left, come back crying and then left again. He came back in a matter of days but then left. Third time lucky he returned with supermarket flowers and a hopeful smile. Trouble was, I loved him. I let him back in to then be told by Mary's father that his erratic behaviour was confusing my children. So I shut the door.

"So what do you want to gain from these sessions?" she asked me.

"Do you remember that game from the 1970's, the one that you could draw a really detailed picture on and spend hours of your precious time perfecting the drawing and then with a single wipe, you could delete the whole design?"

"Etch-a-sketch?" she suggested.

"Yup, that's the one" I joined her with the smiling and started laughing, "I want to etch-a-sketch the lying creep out of my life as though he never dared step near me in the first place".

"Hmm, easy enough" she replied, "Anything else?"

"Wow" I was thrilled to have the chance to grab another of my quirks to deal with.."Er, Let me think, How about making sure that I remember at all times that wet, needy, incapable men with Oedipus tendencies, excessive pubic hair and man boobs never think they stand a chance in the first place?"

Consider it done.

"What would you do if he, what was his name.. Jonny? turned up at your home in the next few days and produced divorce papers like he promised he would?"

"That would never happen" I replied knowing it won't.

"But if he did?" she insisted.

I thought about it for a milli-second and clearly replied, "I would say Well Done. It makes no difference to me but Congratulations for finding your bollocks. Oh and would you like a cup of tea?"

She looked me with her mouth open and said loudly, "NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. You will NEVER offer a man like that a cup of tea ever again. Is that clear?"

"Sorry. Of course. Okay".

She went on to explain that offering a cup of tea to someone that had lied to me and hurt me over and over was basically telling them that it was okay to treat me badly. That I was giving them permission to show no respect and that it was okay to behave it that way. IT IS NOT.

As we were saying Goodbye I received a text from a friend and I must have laughed.

"Okay?" she asked as I looked at my phone.

"Yes, Sorry" I replied, "It's from a friend of mine wishing me luck with the therapy today and telling me that it could be as simple as my ex is just a dick".

It was only then that I noticed she had stopped shaking her head and was now nodding.